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Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:21 am

Yip, The more I read it the sicker it gets.
malcolm
 

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:28 am

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .

"F*ck off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:32 am

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

=====================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 9:35 am

Image

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 6:19 pm

Image
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Postby hubba64 » Sun Apr 29, 2007 8:31 pm

Funny Place Names

These are names of actual locations

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Tittybong (Australia)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Last edited by hubba64 on Tue May 01, 2007 2:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby hubba64 » Tue May 01, 2007 2:53 pm

A man walked into the ladies department of Harrods and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby hubba64 » Tue May 01, 2007 3:02 pm

How to care for your Kids

Image

Image
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Postby L111CHT » Tue May 01, 2007 11:43 pm

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday.

I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less alert might not be so lucky.

Be careful out there...
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Postby L111CHT » Tue May 01, 2007 11:52 pm

The Winalot Diet

I have a 3 springer spaniels.

I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was in line to checkout.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question I told her no, and that I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time. However, because I'd lost 50 pounds before I woke up in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms I was willing to try it again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no - I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
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Postby Detritus » Tue May 01, 2007 11:57 pm

Now that is funny. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby malcolm » Wed May 02, 2007 12:00 am

Oh, you are a little fibber.

I tell all the auld recycled teenagers on my coach how to get rid off all the wrinkles on there face.

Strip in front of a mirror, down to your undies.

Place your left arm under your boobs and take off your bra, how using both hands grab a boob with each hand and lift them as high as you can.

now look at the mirror and let your boobs fall and watch the wrinkles come out of your face.
malcolm
 

Postby hubba64 » Wed May 02, 2007 7:37 am

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." Coming up," says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby malcolm » Thu May 03, 2007 12:18 am

What type of building am I describing.

A vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina on top of a vagina.





Well what type is it.











A block of flaps
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