Friday jokes.....add one of your own...

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Postby findlay » Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:36 pm

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Long term MX5-less I miss my 5...
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My Picasa Albums... http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/findlay69
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Postby poing » Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:09 pm

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Brilliant and true
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Postby hubba64 » Tue Apr 24, 2007 5:08 pm

I must admit - :shock: :shock: true - sad but true

:D :D :D :D Kim

Great Jokes
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Postby Detritus » Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:51 pm

I'm not sure my telephone conversations last that long. :lol:
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nine months later

Postby hubba64 » Wed Apr 25, 2007 4:41 pm

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.... now keep
that smile for the rest of the day.)


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Nicked from the Moonraker site

Postby Detritus » Wed Apr 25, 2007 11:11 pm

Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

The 2006 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Postby hubba64 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 6:34 am

these are sooo good!!!! :D :D :D
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Postby hubba64 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:12 pm

A bloke pulled an older woman at a club She was a right sort for 57, they drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

"No", he said.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

They went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...






'Mum....you awake?'

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Postby hubba64 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:52 am

Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from bleeping? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Postby hubba64 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:54 am

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Postby Robin » Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:16 am

A blond MX5 lady owner puts her recently aquired :wink: Silver 5 into the local dealer one day for a service. She needs to get to work quicky, goes to the nearest bus stop. The double decker soon pulls up, and all the seats downstairs are taken, but there are plenty upstairs, so up she goes.
The driver knew she was only supposed to be going a few stops, so after 3 or 4 stops past where she should have got off, he notices she still has not come down the stairs.
Concerned, he stops the bus and nips upstairs to see her holding the front bars so tightly her knuckles had turned white with a :shock: expression on her face.

Bus driver" Whit's up hen, ye shoulda got aff 3 stoaps ago"?

Blond
" It's awright fer they folks doonsterrs.....they have go-at a bliddy driver!

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Hairglamfan » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:29 pm

Ever wonder.....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those
forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Postby Baron von Ripper » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:52 pm

Thought this thread was for jokes.......deary me.

Chew on this for a few hours........

:?: Why did the baker have smelly hands :?:



(this is my all-time favourite)
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Postby Hairglamfan » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:13 pm

Baron von Ripper wrote:Thought this thread was for jokes.......deary me.

Chew on this for a few hours........

:?: Why did the baker have smelly hands :?:



(this is my all-time favourite)


Cos he kneeded a poo. Ancient.
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Postby Hairglamfan » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:14 pm

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Postby Hairglamfan » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:14 pm

Oops double post.
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Postby Baron von Ripper » Fri Apr 27, 2007 3:36 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

CLASSIC

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Two Crocodiles

Postby IanN » Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:11 pm

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

Well," said the big crock, "what have you been eating?"
Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat them!"

" Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

:lol: :lol:
2016 Mk4 Icon Special Edition
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Postby malcolm » Fri Apr 27, 2007 11:14 pm

A guy working nightshift finishes early and goes home,
He creeps up the stairs and slides under the duvet from the bottom,
runs his hands up her legs and starts oral sex,
after about 10 mins of powerfull moaning and groaning he slips back out
and goes to the toilet.

Here he meets his wife shaving her legs.

How the fu SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH she says

You'll waken your mother.
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 28, 2007 6:49 am

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:08 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy finishes work early and drives home to find his wife still in bed covered over with the duvet,

He gets in from the bottom of the duvet bottom and slides up her legs and starts having Oral sex.

After about 10 mins he slides back down and goes to the toilet only to find his wife shaving her legs.

"What are you doing here" he asks her

"Shhhhh" she replied

You'll waken your mother



so good you're telling it twice Malcolm??? :lol: :lol: :lol:
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