Friday jokes.....add one of your own...

Post your jokes et al in here.
WARNING: Some users may find content in this forum offensive.

Postby Robin » Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:23 pm

Only joke that springs to mind! My profile. :shock:

Name : Robin Brown
Username : Robin
Location : Stirlingshire
Area : Central Scotland
Web site :
Car : Mk 1 - 1800cc
Edition : VS Type 2
Interior Mods : Usual Ltd Edition, bits of dead tree & cows.
Exterior Mods : Grill
Performance Mods : Brace Bars everywhere,Larkhall Pyrotechnics Ltd timing tweak,Autobox Hold button,blind faith in bends. :twisted:
Robin
 

Postby koolchef » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:06 pm

this is some what long. but a classic. hopefully i dont offend anyone :S

Englishman, Irishman and scotsman on a building site - sitting on top of the building having lunch.
The englishman looks at his lunch and says " jam sandwiches again, if my wife makes me these again tomorrow i'll jump off this building"
The Irishman looks at his lunch " damn cheese sandwiches again , i get this tomorrow am going to jump off this building"
The scotsman looks at his lunch "corned beef sandwiches, if i get this tomorrow am going to jump off the building too!"

so next day and the 3 of them sitting on the top of the building and the englishman looks at his sandwiches "Jam again!?" and he jumps off to his death.
The Scotsman looks at his sandwiches "corned beef again?!" and he jumps to his death.
And the Irishman looks at his and he has cheese again and jumps off too.

afew days later at the funeral the 3 wifes are talking.
The englishmans wife says, " if i knew he didnt want jam i would have made him something else"
The scotsmans wife says "if i knew he didnt want corned beef i would have made him something else too"
and the irishmans wife looks at both the wives and replies "my husband made his own sandwiches!"
koolchef
 

fruit polo's

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:20 pm

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

Positive thought for the day

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:31 pm

Image

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Image
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

what can I say!!

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:32 pm

Image

:shock: :shock: :shock:
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

couple more funny pics!!

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:34 pm

Image

Image

Image
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

Re: what can I say!!

Postby Robin » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:44 pm

[quote="hubba64"]Image

One of RocDoc's passengers?
Robin
 

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:01 pm

Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman, travelling up the Amazon, captured by a tribe of pygmies, trussed up and taken to their camp.

At spearpoint they are paraded in front of the chief pygmy.

"Come forward Irishman, for you have violated our land and must choose.....death or mobo" says the chief.

"Oh god I don't want to die", says the Irishman...."OK....mobo!"
The assembled pygmies cheer.
"Right lads, mobo!" says the chief, and 40 pygmies jump the Irishman and buggar the arse off him.

"Come forward and choose Scotsman.....death or mobo", says the chief.

" Oh mummy, daddy I dinnae want tae die and I dinnae want what the Irishman got.....oh god.......give me mobo!" whimpers the scotsman.
The pygmies cheer.
"Right lads, mobo again" says the chief, and 40 pygmies jump the scotsman and buggar the arse off him.

"Come forward Englishman and choose....death or mobo" thunders the chief.

The englishman draws himself up and puts his shoulders back. " I am a proud man and I choose death!"
The assembled pygmies gasp....there is silence.
"The englishman chooses death" says the chief, " right lads, death it is.....death by mobo!!!"

Guy
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:08 pm

A guy finishes work early and drives home to find his wife still in bed covered over with the duvet,

He gets in from the bottom of the duvet bottom and slides up her legs and starts having Oral sex.

After about 10 mins he slides back down and goes to the toilet only to find his wife shaving her legs.

"What are you doing here" he asks her

"Shhhhh" she replied

You'll waken your mother.
malcolm
 

Postby Detritus » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:09 pm

A biker goes into a bar and spends all night buying drinks for a beautiful woman.

Come the end of the evening he asks if he can take her home.

"I'm sorry" she replies "I'm on my menstrual cycle"

"That's ok" he answers "I've got the Harley outside I'll follow you."
Detritus
User avatar
 
Posts: 1016
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:08 pm
Location: CRAIGELLACHIE

Postby Detritus » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:17 pm

Picture the family.

Guy running up and down the lawn with the childs kite, which refuses to fly, child and mother looking on despairingly.

After a while the wife says,

"What you need is more tail"

He answers,

"Thats just like a woman, last night you told me to go fly a kite."
Detritus
User avatar
 
Posts: 1016
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:08 pm
Location: CRAIGELLACHIE

Postby Robin » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:57 pm

Ohh well..why not! :roll:

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word,
then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought.The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three slappers in a pop up tent :shock:
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. :P

The aboriginal won.
Robin
 

Postby jo » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:01 pm

Class Robin. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
jo
 
Posts: 248
Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:10 pm

Postby Rugger » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:15 pm

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
> "Chicken Surprise"
>
> The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
> pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
> looking around before the lid slams back down.
>
> "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
>
> He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
> it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
> looking around before it slams down.
>
> Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
> happening, and demands an explanation.
>
> "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
>
> The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
>
> Ahh. so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

:roll: :roll:
1992 Mk1 eunos roadster.....gone to a new home
2006 Mk3 2.0 Sports

Founder member of PHD motor tractors association.
Rugger
User avatar
OC Member
Andy Wylie
MX-5 OC Club Member
 
Posts: 658
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:53 am
Location: Peterhead

Postby Rugger » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:37 pm

1. Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...if you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not
unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it."

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum
or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

21. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
1992 Mk1 eunos roadster.....gone to a new home
2006 Mk3 2.0 Sports

Founder member of PHD motor tractors association.
Rugger
User avatar
OC Member
Andy Wylie
MX-5 OC Club Member
 
Posts: 658
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:53 am
Location: Peterhead

before it starts

Postby hubba64 » Mon Apr 23, 2007 7:23 am

Image

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
hubba64
User avatar
 
Posts: 1258
Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:32 pm
Location: Helensburgh

Those Yanks are strange

Postby Detritus » Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:25 am

Detritus
User avatar
 
Posts: 1016
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 11:08 pm
Location: CRAIGELLACHIE

Postby findlay » Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:18 pm

Subject: Help for first time English visitors to Scotland


The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland for those that are travelling from Down South (Englandshire way). Please find below a list of DO's and DO NOT DO's in our fair country. I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules and etiquette.

It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow
Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay.
i.e.:
BARMAN: That will be twenty pounds sir.
TOURIST: The Big Numpty over there is paying.
BARMAN: That will do nicely sir.
BIG NUMPTY: Welcome to Scotland.

In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the local
single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na' lavvy meaning Water of God.

Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema complex
and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.

The Scottish Police force actively encourage tourists to take their hats
as souvenirs.

Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some of the best surfing in Europe.

Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in
Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the roof of the castle.

Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute
and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly those of the Pope will be greatly appreciated.

There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on
Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be happy to oblige.

The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have had
your tea?"

The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.

Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If
you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.

Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is well
known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a
higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Banker often
dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in finance.

Edinburgh zoo has an adopt an animal scheme and tourists may take home any animal they wish.

At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes. They
are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with spending money which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.

William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over The River Forth at Perth on a motorbike.

If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of music.

Celtic are known as the Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a
Fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green and white say
"Up the Gers, I'm proud to be an orange man!" and you will receive a
warm welcome.

Policemen are known by the old Gaelic word "keech"

"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it tasted like a great jobbie.


:D
Long term MX5-less I miss my 5...
Image
My Picasa Albums... http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/findlay69
findlay
User avatar
 
Posts: 929
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:13 pm
Location: Aberdeen

Postby findlay » Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:19 pm

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack
sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror, and Notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son...what
happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

Broken furniture £85.26
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Red Rose bud £3.00
Two Aspirins £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
Long term MX5-less I miss my 5...
Image
My Picasa Albums... http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/findlay69
findlay
User avatar
 
Posts: 929
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:13 pm
Location: Aberdeen

Postby findlay » Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:34 pm

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating, Curling, Men's Gymnastics, Texas A&M women's golf or softball. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.
Long term MX5-less I miss my 5...
Image
My Picasa Albums... http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/findlay69
findlay
User avatar
 
Posts: 929
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2006 1:13 pm
Location: Aberdeen

PreviousNext

Return to Jokes and Humour

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron