Friday jokes.....add one of your own...

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Friday jokes.....add one of your own...

Postby L111CHT » Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:39 pm

While I was watching the sports one weekend my wife & I got into a
conversation about life & death & the need for leaving wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her I never wanted to exist
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine & living on fluids.

She got up, unplugged the TV & threw out all my beer. :lol:
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Postby Wesly » Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:43 pm

:o

the cruel ******

:lol:

dont know if you'd consider it a joke, but my mate just worked out he lost his virginity to a hymaphradite

only took him a few years to figure out! :lol:

wonder how drunk he was?
No more Mx5... but the MR2 is a beast and a half!

Performance over Chrome!!!!
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Postby L111CHT » Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:51 pm

:shock:
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:52 am

Three tortoises, Rodney, Derek and Gary, decide to go on picnic
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.The
trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So it takes
them ten days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary
give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Gary "I thought you packed it,"
Rodney gets worried, He turns to Derek, "Did you bring the
bottle opener?"
Naturally Derek didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener.
Rodney and Derek beg Gary to go back for it but he refuses as
he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Derek are
starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from
behind a rock and shouts "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F***G GOING!"

:D :D :D :D
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Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 7:56 am

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bast**d.
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Big Arty

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 8:05 am

Mr Smithers, a meek and humble man, is sitting, sullenly slumped over his
pint in his local pub. The landlord asks him why he's so miserable. "It's my wife", says Smithers, "We've been married for thirty years, I've worked my fingers to the bone to keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed, and it's been non-stop nagging and moaning from her all the way. I've had enough! I just wish I could be rid of her!" The landlord says "Well your luck might be in: See that huge bloke sitting over there in the corner - that's "Big Arty". He's a real hard case. He'll make sure your wife never troubles you again, but it'll cost you - he usually charges a quid for assasinations. Smithers goes over and asks "Are you Big Arty?" The huge man rises from his chair to tower above Smithers and says "Yus - that's me"

SMITHERS: "I hear you might be able to do a job for me....... you see....... I'd like my wife....er....dead"

BIG ARTY: "No problem Guv - I'll do the job .... but it'll cost you a quid and I'll need to know where to find her and a photo to recognise her"

SMITHERS: "OK - here's your pound, and here's a photo of her - she works on the checkout at Tesco's"

BIG ARTY: "Right - better get on with it then!" He slurps down his pint, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and lurches out of the pub.

Entering the Tesco store in the High Street, he looks along the line of checkout desks until he recognises Mrs Smithers. He lumbers up to her, grabs her by the throat and throttles the life out of her there and then.
The manager, who was standing nearby, witnesses this and runs over, shouting "Hey you there. You can't do this sort of thing in my shop"
Big Arty turns around, jumps on the manager and strangles him to death too.

A policeman passing by on his beat sees all this through the shop window and rushes in to accost Big Arty. "HI HARREST HUW FOR CAUSIN' HAN HAFFRAY!"

Unfortunately he is no match for the mighty thug, and he too joins the pile of throttled corpses on the store floor. Just then, following an urgent phone call from another checkout assistant, a large team of police reinforcements arrive, armed with truncheons, tasers and tear gas.
Big Arty puts up a spirited fight, but is finally subdued and bundled off to jail in the Black Mariah.

Next day, the banner headline in the local newspaper reads..................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"BIG ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND IN TESCO'S"

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 21, 2007 8:42 am

OHHHH That was bad.
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Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 21, 2007 8:49 am

I'll try and keep this one as clean as I can.

Prostitute for 30 years goes to the doctors,

Doctor, doctor, Ive fallin in love with a young man but I want him to think and feel that I'm a virgin.

Doctor thinks, The only thing I can think of is plastic surgery.

Prostitute goes to the plastic surgeons and explains her situation.

Plastic surgeon says "It will cost you £3000.00 for the operation.

No problem says the prostitute.

Plastic surgeon puts her to sleep and starts the operation, about 30 mins into the operation the plastic surgeon shouts.

Nurse, Nurse, quick come here.

Quickly phone Earton Senna and tell him I've got a new set of ears for him.
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Postby Gordon » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:20 am

Three famous formula one drivers have names which are closely linked to parts of Scotland. Can anyone name them all?




























1) Stirling Moss
2) Johnnie Dumfries
3) Ayrton Senna (Ayr Toon Centre)
--
Gordon
Previously Kermit, Classic Red NA
Now Bottom, Blue NB RS Ltd
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Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:21 am

AYR TOON CENTRE :P :P :P :P
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Postby Malc » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:35 am

Quickly phone Earton Senna and tell him I've got a new set of ears for him.


Should that not be Nikki Lauda. :shock:
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Postby malcolm » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:39 am

I knew I fluffed it up somewhere
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Rural Pub

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:42 am

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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sorry for your sins??

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:44 am

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody

:D :D :D :D :D :D
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Macho Man

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:48 am

The definition of a MACHO MAN ...

A guy is laying back on the sofa, naked from the waist down, smoking a cigar while his woman is engaged in oral activity! Shortly after his release he places the cigar on the ashtray and asks: “So babe, was I good?”

…and the definition of a SUPER MACHO MAN

The same guy, in the same position, with the same woman but his “instrument” is not responding (!!!!) …. After about 10 minutes of strenuous effort on the woman’s part, she gives up. Our friend, completely calm, takes a toke off his cigar and asks her “Tell me, does this happen to you often?”

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
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if only!!!!!

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:08 am

Image
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Speedometer

Postby hubba64 » Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:16 am

Image

:D :D :D :D :D
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Postby Jo M » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:32 am

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the bikers door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims "I want to join your club".

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. He explains.

The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies "Yep, my bikes parked over there" and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies "Yep, drink like a fish, I'll drink everyone in your club under the table".

The biker asks "Do you smoke?".

The little old lady replies "Yep, smoke like a chimney, at least 2 packs of cigarettes and 3 joints a day, and a couple more in the evening while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is very impressed and asks "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


The little old lady thinks for a moment and says "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times". :)
2003 Silver 1.8i MX-5 Navy Hardtop - Hardtop in shed yeahhh!!
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Postby Jo M » Sat Apr 21, 2007 11:41 am

Here's a sick one.

First year students at Med school were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a Doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention" :shock:
2003 Silver 1.8i MX-5 Navy Hardtop - Hardtop in shed yeahhh!!
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Postby graeme » Sat Apr 21, 2007 1:41 pm

A bloke arrives home and finds his wife packing. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Australia. I've heard that prostitutes there can earn £400 doing what I do to you for free".

The man goes into the bedroom and starts packing.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
"I'm coming with you." he says "I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
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